Today is a national holiday. Many of us have the day off from work, able to enjoy a beautiful day of not counting the minutes to freedom in our dimly lit cubicles. And you know why? Because of Bella Thorne! Yes, today is Bella Thorne’s 21st birthday! What’s that you say? That’s not why I’m off from work? Sorry, I can’t hear you.
I truly cannot believe that Bella is only 21 years old today. It seems like an eternity since I first saw her in a Lifetime movie overdosing on heroin, to now when I constantly see her posing naked on Instagram. But IMDb tells me it’s only been 3 years. Time flies when you’re binge-watching Vanderpump Rules, I guess. So since we love her so much, we’ve decided to get Bella this list of all the things we appreciate about her. I hope she enjoys!
She Dates Losers So We Don’t Have To
Look, aside from having bad taste in clothing, bad taste in acting parts, and a terrible singing voice, when Bella takes a shower she is actually a pretty girl with a lot of money. She should not be reduced to dating the contents of your ashtray in human form. But it appears her picker is broken because Bella has been with “musician” Mod Sun for a while now. Yes, I know you’ve never heard of him. But let me show you who he is, and my apologies in advance if you have to claw your eyes out.
SO SWEET I’M DYING
She also posts adorable pictures with him like this:
Ah, young love. So sweet, so innocent, so precious how they allude to oral sex. In all honesty I think Bella is too good for Mod Sun, but if Bella is too good for him, so are we all. So on behalf of women I thank you Bella for taking this bullet for us.
She’s Close With Her Family
Bella has a few siblings, but appears to be the closest with her older sister Dani. And by close I mean both emotionally close and posing with their breasts touching close.
Look guys, are you even sisters if you haven’t posed in lingerie together? I’m asking that seriously as someone who only has brothers. I can only assume it’s normal. So happy that they have each other for the good times, the hard times, and the times they need someone to take a suggestive picture of them in a bubble bath.
She’s A Friend To Animals
Bella loves animals! In fact, she recently adopted a precious little pup. Let’s a get a look at that lucky girl!
Exsqueeze me, did she just say her dog is named TAMPON?! What would possess someone to do that, except the devil herself? Also, is it just me or does that seem like a misnomer? Bella doesn’t strike me as someone who even uses tampons. A Diva Cup, sure! Those period panties they’re always advertising in the subway, you betcha! Literally nothing at all, and she’s just someone who believes in letting it flow? Definitely! So, since this name most likely isn’t even accurate let’s just pretend she goes by Molly and call it a day, mmk?
She Makes Us Appreciate Good Music
As I mentioned earlier, Bella does not have a good voice. Nor does she have decent material or a talented producer (looking at you Mod Sun). Shake that all up together in a garbage bag and you have the favorite album of CIA agents everywhere in the torture of political prisoners. Anyone with ears would give up all their secrets after 30 seconds of B*tch I’m Bella Thorne. But as people always say to me when I complain about being spit on by yet another drug addict on the street, if it weren’t for hell, how would we recognize heaven? So really, she’s doing all her fellow artists a favor. And if you are a deaf person out there reading this, I hope you can finally see the good in your situation.
And those are all the things we appreciate about Bella Thorne! I hope she enjoys what is surely her first ever sip of alcohol for her 21st birthday, and I’ll be expecting my thank you note for this gift in the mail.
Images: Shutterstock; @modsun / Instagram, @bellathorne / Instagram (4)
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