Partisan battle over the Kavanaugh allegation

This is a rush transcript from “The Five,” September 19, 2018. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, CO-HOST: Hi, I’m Greg Gutfeld with Dr. Nicole Saphier, Juan Williams, Jesse Watters, and a staple is her balance beam, Dana Perino — “The Five.”

This week, politics wanders blindly onto a grim unknown planet where half the world is guilty:

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. MAZIE HIRONO, D-HAWAII: Guess who’s perpetuating all of these kinds of actions? It’s the men in this country. And I just want to say to the men in this country, just shut up and step up. Do the right thing for a change.

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(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, may be the right thing is to not generalize? Unless, of course, you include your husband in “the men in this country.”

Speaking of husbands:

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

RACHEL MADDOW, MSNBC: Your husband certainly a concerned at the time that he never really had due process to defend himself from allegations like this. Have we learned anything over the years about due process, not just for the accusers but also for the accused?

HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE: Well, I think that you have to take each of these situations sort of on their own merits. Yes, there should be due process for everyone involved. And I think that’s what Dr. Ford is asking for. She’s asking for due process. She’s asking that there be an investigation.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

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GUTFELD: That was genius: She spun due process for her accused Bill into due process for Dr. Ford. I have to hand it to her.

But today, the burden is on the accused to prove one’s innocence, even with an event decades ago that’s unclear even to the accuser. So now the Dems have gone from Borking one man to Borking a system and accusation is all you need. The legal system becomes a game of tag. Plus, it’s saying that the accused is presumed innocent is now seen as pro-abuse, why not rid us of courts all together? Just rely on memory. The media thinks it’s full-proof, but is it?

Hillary believes she ran from sniper fire and didn’t believe Juanita. Blumenthal believed he was in ‘Nam. Brian Williams believed everything he said on talk shows. But memory is fallible for all and that’s for accuser and the accused. It’s just shocking how fast the media fires when they see the desired moving target. And after sitting on it for many months, Feinstein gave that target to them.

But says the mob: Let’s not rush things. We’ve got all day as they twirl their rope. But what of the media? At work they swarm, but at home, do they look at their spouse or kid and think what if this ever happens to them? People love Shakespeare’s tragedies because afterwards you can go home and say, hey, I’m glad I’m not Julius Caesar. It made you welcome a humble life. No more. Today, we’re all Caesars, facing a mob of Brutuses armed with trespasses shaped like daggers and microphones.

All right, Jesse. We need to hear from her, don’t we?

JESSE WATTERS, CO-HOST: We do. I don’t think we are going to. I think what happened was, they thought they were going to take it up to a certain point, and then they realized that this woman was going to have to testify Monday. And that was way too soon for the Democrats because this was a delay tactic. And this is a really dirty business. And for that reason, today, I’m withdrawing from consideration from the Supreme Court, and for many administration, whatsoever, because it’s ugly. And they’re destroying this guy’s life. And I wanted to give Ford the benefit of the doubt at the beginning. Remember, on Monday and Tuesday, I’ve been saying I believe she believe something happened. Something may have happened. There was a polygraph involved. I don’t want to cast any doubt on her allegations. But the way they’re dragging this out now it’s become so political, Greg, that it’s gotten away from the actual alleged crime, and now it’s about the process and the nomination of this guy.

She’s not doing things and the Democrats aren’t doing things in a way that people would do if she was a true victim. If you go out and you say the first thing, you hear Kavanaugh’s name, you call the Washington Post, and then you call your congresswoman, and then you call Dianne Feinstein and you say you don’t want to come forward because you want to be anonymous, but at the same time you take a polygraph test. And when they ask you how did you pay for the polygraph, you don’t say how you paid for it. And then you hire a Clinton fund-raiser as your lawyer to represent you. And now it looks like there’s some behind the scenes stuff were Brian Fallon, who worked for Hillary Clinton, has teamed up with Paige Herwig, who worked for Dianne Feinstein, and they’ve raised $5 million, a lot from George Soros, to fund a group called Demand Justice. And Demand Justice is the main organization that’s running to stop the Kavanaugh nomination. And they’re working in concert with Debra Katz, the lawyer for Ford. It’s just way, way too suspicious what’s going on. I wanted to believe her. I still kind of believe she believes something happen, but it doesn’t sit right anymore.

GUTFELD: The timing makes it suspicious. But if, Juan, I think we’ve learned here the real tragedy is that we’re going to lose people like Jesse from the Supreme Court.

(LAUGHTER)

JUAN WILLIAMS, CO-HOST: I don’t know what — he’s so divine. Can you imagine that here in that robe?

WATTERS: They would have board me bad.

WILLIAMS: No.

(LAUGHTER)

WILLIAMS: No, man, I will be your lawyer.

GUTFELD: Think of all the “Watters World” they’d have to go through.

(LAUGHTER)

WATTERS: They’ll get through one and that is it.

WILLIAMS: No, man, I would demand that Jesse’s mother testifies.

WATTERS: She’ll testify against me.

(LAUGHTER)

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Juan, if she doesn’t testify after going through this entire process, that’s — what can the Republicans do but just vote, right?

WILLIAMS: They can do it but they would do it at great risk because I think they would be seen as bullies. The question is about the process here. And it’s about the demand that she’s making that there be an investigation before she testify, so they are testifying about known facts.

GUTFELD: Right.

WILLIAMS: They can have some points of commonality in the narrative and it’s not just he said-she said. But clearly, the FBI says there was no federal crime committed because this is a matter of, I would guess, if it was an assault, Maryland law back of that period. It’s a distinction to be made from when Anita Hill said that Clarence Thomas was harassing her while she was working for him in the federal government.

GUTFELD: Right.

WILLIAMS: The problem here is that I think that there is an effort by the Republicans to say we don’t want any more investigations. We don’t want anything. We just want to get a vote done. And it seems like they’re rushing along. That’s why I say there’s a risk for them.

GUTFELD: But isn’t Senator Grassley trying to get this — aren’t they kind of bending over backwards to meet with this woman privately or publicly, even aren’t they willing to fly to see her? They’re doing everything possible.

NICOLE SAPHIER, GUEST CO-HOST: I personally think that the Republicans are doing the due process that they’re saying that they’re denying her. It’s not their fault that this came so late in the game, so far into the process. They’re being very accommodating at this point. And it does seem that Dr. Ford doesn’t necessarily want to talk at this point. She’s probably not going to be there Monday. I’m not sure she’s going to allow anyone to go there. And as it stands, we just have all these hazy details. So if we’re not going to get details to help prove or disprove her claims, they have to vote.

WILLIAMS: Why are you guys saying she won’t be there?

GUTFELD: Well.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: No, her lawyer did not say that. Her lawyer said that she would like an investigation, but it didn’t — she didn’t preclude the idea.

WATTERS: But there is not going to be an FBI investigation. The FBI have already said that.

WILLIAMS: Wait a second, you’re objecting to the fact that she sang I would like an investigation?

WATTERS: If you say I want an investigation then, she knows that it’s not going to happen.

WILLIAMS: Oh, no.

WATTERS: So why would you say that?

WILLIAMS: I think you don’t know. I think — to me, it’s like a novel. We don’t know where it’s going.

GUTFELD: That’s a good point, Dana. Do you want — I was going to roll the Grassley stuff, but I think we’re past Grassley.

DANA PERINO, CO-HOST: OK.

GUTFELD: We’re passed him.

PERINO: The grass has grown.

GUTFELD: The grass has grown. No, he was talking about the possibility. Should we roll it or should I stop talking about it.

PERINO: Let’s play it.

GUTFELD: Let’s play it. Let’s play it. I can’t believe I wasted time.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

SEN. CHUCK GRASSLEY, R-IOWA: I’m focused right now is doing everything that we can to make Dr. Ford comfortable with coming before a committee either in an open session or a closed session or a public or a private interview. I have hopes that this person who pleaded through the Washington Post, and I didn’t learn about anything about this until I read her name in the Washington Post.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Dana?

PERINO: Well, people are complaining about process on the Republican side. I think the Republicans have a lot to complain about with the Democrats on the process side. Dianne Feinstein getting this letter through Congressman Eshoo’s office in July. In fact, Dianne Feinstein has since said I kind of regret — I wish I could have, maybe I should have, because she knows — she’s a statesman. She knows it was wrong to not loop that in earlier.

GUTFELD: Dates person.

PERINO: She’s in now in a very tough election. You have Demand Justice, which is a new group, and they’ve realized, the Democrats, that they’ve spent three decades basically not caring about judicial nominations. And the Republicans and conservatives have been very good about it. I think the Republicans have been quite responsible. The language has been responsible. Like, OK, she should be heard. She should not be insulted. That was the first thing Kellyanne Conway said and everyone followed that lead. And the president has been quite muted about it. And everyone — you can be heard. You will be heard.

There is a question about this idea, Judge Napolitano said earlier on the 2 o’clock show, should the president asked the FBI to take two weeks, see what you can find out, and at the end of that, then vote on him and allow him to get seated by November 1st rather than October 1st. That’s not what the Democrats want. I don’t think they’re ever, ever going to be satisfied even if there is an FBI investigation. And if there’s nothing there, that won’t ever matter. Like, because, basically, the die is cast and that’s why I feel that they might just need to cast the vote.

GUTFELD: All right. We’re going to talk about this in the upcoming block, so we’ll just sit here quietly.

SAPHIER: To be continued.

GUTFELD: Yes, and read our tweets. More on the battle over Brett Kavanaugh, next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: I would let the senators take their boars. Let the senators do it. They’re doing a very good job. They’ve given tremendous amounts of time. They’ve already postponed a major hearing. I’d really want to see her. I really would want to see what she has to say. If she shows up, that would be wonderful. If she doesn’t show up, that would be unfortunate.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: Democrats have been quick to judge Brett Kavanaugh, but what about the claims against Congressman Keith Ellison? His accuser is saying she’s been smeared by her own party, and that no one is listening to her. Saying about Democrats, quote, no, they don’t. I’ve been smeared, threatened, isolated from my own party. I’ve provided medical records from 2017, stating on two different doctor visits I told them about the abuse and who did it. My therapist release records stating that I have been dealing and healing from the abuse. So, Dana, what do you think about this? Is there a double standard here?

PERINO: It does seem quite hypocritical because when all that — when that story was breaking, people were cautious, they wanted to be respectful of her, but nobody wanted to criticize Keith Ellison on the Democratic side. Nobody said there should be FBI investigation. No one said the Minnesota FBI, the state FBI should look into it. And he wants to be (INAUDIBLE) Supreme Court. He wants to be attorney general of Minnesota. That is — would be — he was in charge of all law enforcement. So, yes, of course, there’s some hypocrisy.

WILLIAMS: Well, I think this is so much what about. I mean.

PERINO: What about?

WILLIAMS: Yeah. Because — I mean.

PERINO: Why not?

WILLIAMS: . nobody is really — by the way, I’ll tell you why not because in this case, groups like now said we don’t like it, we don’t think it’s fair, and they have responded to this woman. And secondly, the woman said she had a tape — said, including the journalist, let’s see the tape, and she’s refused to produce the tape. So there’s a higher level of, you know, skepticism with regard to this case.

WATTERS: Juan. Juan, there’s actual evidence that we’ve just documented at the top with regards to doctor visits and this is only a year or two apart versus 36 years ago, and no corroborating evidence. That’s a lot different.

(CROSSTALK)

SAPHIER: We’re not outside the statute of limitations on this one.

WILLIAMS: No.

(CROSSTALK)

WILLIAMS: Two things to say. One is she said she had a video and has not produced the video. The second thing to say is that we — you say there’s no corroborating evidence but I think that the professor says, in fact, she saw the therapist, she spoke to her husband, now this is way before Kavanaugh was nominated to the Supreme Court. So these things are very real. I will say this, to my mind, is that I read where she is, Professor Ford, now being threatened, her address put on the internet. You have to understand what women have to put up with if they dare to come forward, and I think she’s under attack.

PERINO: But who was at fault for leaking her name? The only people who had this letter where the congresswoman’s office, Eshoo, the senator’s office, Dianne Feinstein, and the Democratic Party, and possibly this group, Demand Justice.

WATTERS: Or the Washington Post.

PERINO: It was not.

WILLIAMS: I see.

PERINO: It was not the Republicans who leaked her name.

WILLIAMS: I don’t know who leaked it. So, I mean, I don’t think you do either. But, I mean, the point is that conservative groups are now associated with the leak.

PERINO: Why? They didn’t leak it.

WATTERS: Because she was associated with them just now.

WILLIAMS: I’ll tell you what, we’ll leave that. But I’m just going to say the other part of this is that Judge Kavanaugh’s friend, Mark Judge, who was written about, you know, cavorting and drinking and bad behavior, has refused now to testify. Talk about who’s not cooperating.

WATTERS: I can’t believe who drank in high school.

WILLIAMS: No, no, no.

WATTERS: Unbelievable. That’s breaking news. Let’s listen to — I believe her name is Mazie Hirono, and Greg played a little bit of the sound of the top. I think it’s worth reviewing. Here’s what she said about men.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

HIRONO: Guess who’s perpetuating all of these kinds of actions? It’s the men in this country. And I just want to say to the men in this country, just shut up and step up. Do the right thing for a change.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: Dr. Saphier, as a man, I just feel really attacked here. It’s, you know, I can’t believe we put up with this abuse.

SAPHIER: Well, you know, I’m a mother of three boys, so I do have a soft spot in my heart for boys. But this type of behavior and these words is externally divisive, and at a time where you have Democrats saying how divisive our nation is. This isn’t helping us at all. I see no socially valuable outcome to any of this. It’s dividing us more. It’s delaying a process that’s inevitably going to end up with a conservative judge being confirmed. I would love to hear from her. If she’s not going to come, she’s not going to testify, vote. Let’s move forward.

WATTERS: Let’s move forward, Greg. What do you think?

GUTFELD: This — you see this more and more and I think it’s do in part of social media is that people interpret the worst intent from something you say. So, if you say like I’m going to say that Judge Kavanaugh is tarred for life based on a memory from 35 years ago initiated during a politically motivated event. Let’s face it. It never would have come out if it hadn’t been for the fact that he was up for Supreme Court. And the person that’s making the accusation has unclear memories on it. But he’s tarred for life. This will always be on his thing.

Now, if I say that, people will say, oh, look, he feel so bad for the accused rapist. And they’ll say, like, what about the victims? I’m talking — I’m talking about somebody who is not getting due process. And I return to my point, which you have brought up, what about the men in your life? We talk about the victims and we care about the victims, but you’ve got to also care about the people who are presumed innocent. And those could be your brothers or your sons or your father’s, and it could be your sisters.

SAPHIER: But, Greg, you just said it yourself, because you’ve just said he’s an accused rapist, and that’s what everyone is saying.

GUTFELD: That’s what I’m saying — that’s my point.

SAPHIER: Not even being accused of rape. Be he’s.

GUTFELD: No, he actually is. There’s actually headlines. There’s actually headlines that are saying.

SAPHIER: That’s what I’m saying. The media, the headlines are saying that he’s being accused of rape, and that’s not even what she has said. So he is — his reputation is tarnished no matter what, whether he did it or not.

WATTERS: And it goes to — I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Hillary Clinton when she was on MSNBC was right. She said each case has to be judged on its own merits. You don’t say just because a woman makes an allegation she has to be believed. You don’t say just because a man denies it, you know, you’ve got to listen to the man. Innocent until proven guilty, but judge it on the merits. And I don’t know why we’re just not following that right here.

WILLIAMS: Wait a second, you want to follow Hillary Clinton? Can we quote this.

WATTERS: What is happening to me right now? I mean, I guess a broken clock is right twice a day.

WILLIAMS: That’s about your chances.

SAPHIER: Hillary Clinton can’t say that you should always stress trust what the woman said because that’s not what happened historically, especially with her. So, she’d definitely be hypocritical. So.

WATTERS: I am not with Juanita Broderick.

WILLIAMS: You know one question for all of us though even as — you know, I think that men are deserving of also being heard and their rights defended. But I will say for all of us, I wonder how you feel about the fact that throughout history is the women don’t get heard.

WATTERS: Well, we’re waiting to hear from the doctor on Monday, hopefully, and we’ll see what happens as the president likes to say. Hillary Clinton refusing to go away, now she’s warning us about President Trump’s, quote, authoritarian tendencies, next.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

WILLIAMS: Welcome back. President Trump traveling to the Carolinas today to survey the damage from Hurricane Florence. The president spoke with residence and handed out warm meals to some of the people impacted by the big storm. Meanwhile, former 2016 presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, she’s back on the political scene, offering some dire predictions about President Trump and the future of our government.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

HILLARY CLINTON, FORMER DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEE: What I’m worried about is that these authoritarian tendencies that we have seen at work in this administration with this president. Left unchecked could very well result in the erosion of our institutions to an extent that we’ve never imagined possible here. What I worry about, Rachel, is that after this election, this president is going to wholesale fire people. That’s my prediction for tonight. He will fire people in the White House. He will fire people in his administration who he thinks are crossing him, questioning him, undermining him.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WILLIAMS: Wow. So, what do you think, Nicole? Do you agree with her?

SAPHIER: Let me tell you, she just can’t stop. The only reason she’s out right now because she’s going to have an update from her most recent memoir, which is like number 8 in a series. And I’m just getting tired of hearing her opinion on things. One thing that bothered me a bit was when she was talking about President Trump being an authoritarian. You know, this is not Maduro in Venezuela where they are having a — it’s tragic what’s going on right there. What’s happening in the United States is a booming economy. It’s actually quite the opposite. You know, we have more Venezuelan immigrants coming to the United States because of it, fleeing from a real authoritarian tendency and dictator. So, I’m just kind of over listening to her opinion. It’s time for her to move on. She’s the wrong messenger for anything at this point.

WILLIAMS: So, Jesse, I think it was today, Steve Doocy was saying he agrees with Hillary, that Trump is going to fire a lot of people after the midterms.

WATTERS: Well, he should fire people that are undermining him. And if Hillary has a problem with Trump firing people undermining him, she must want people undermining him. Like the anonymous op-ed writer. I think Trump should fire that person if they’re trying to undermine him. I don’t understand what she’s saying. Plus, America loves when people get fired in Washington. That’s why we sent Trump there. The phrases authoritarian tendencies eroding our institutions are the reason Hillary Clinton didn’t win the election. She’s not connecting. She sounds like John Kerry. She sounds like she’s at a symposium. Speak like a real person. This is cable. Shoot from the hip. Speak from the heart. People don’t go to the polls to fight the erosion of institutions. People don’t go to a rally with a sign that says stop the erosion of our institutions. It just doesn’t connect and it looks like she’s just whining about a tough guy that came to the swamp and started kicking butt against the establishment. That’s what makes her.

WILLIAMS: So, Jesse, just a quick back and forth. Today, the president was tweeting he doesn’t have an attorney general. It looks like she’s not talking about some anonymous writer. She’s talking about firing the attorney general because he won’t do what Trump wants with regard to the Russia probe.

WATTERS: I think everybody knows Sessions is on his last leg.

WILLIAMS: Oh, so you do agree with Hillary in that sense.

WATTERS: Is that’s twice.

GUTFELD: Twice now.

(CROSSTALK)

WATTERS: What is wrong with me.

WILLIAMS: So, Dana, here’s the thing. She said that there are five main areas of threats from President Trump undermining the law, failing to protect the election system from Russia, attacking journalists, breath taking corruption, and racist subtexts of virtually everything Trump says. What do you think?

PERINO: Well, I think that those are all things that Democrats want to run on, and they are running on them hard in the midterm elections. It’s interesting, it’s not working everywhere. Just today, the Fox power rankings that Chris Stirewalt runs showed an improvement, especially in Nevada. That was the Democrats thought that was a pick up for them for the senate seat.

It looks like Dean Heller is actually doing a lot better. So, you actually have Republicans figuring out ways to run based on what their state needs and figuring out a way to run with Trump and not against him, necessarily, but having a little bit of distance, and it’s working in some of those states. So, at the end of all of these, let’s say that maybe the — maybe the Republicans don’t lose the House. They’ll lose some seats. Maybe they hold on by a few. Maybe they lose the House. OK, that would be something they have to deal with. But it looks like the Republicans will keep the Senate.

And so if the Democrats really want to succeed, talking about symposium — like you’re at a symposium isn’t going to necessarily work. I do think that what Michelle Obama is doing and announced that she’s doing is a much more helpful thing for Democrats.

So she’s going to have a big new effort. She’s doing a big celebrity thing of voter turnout and voter registration. Democrats are very good at registering new voters, and if you register a voter, they are 99 percent likely to vote that first year that they register. So that is where a lot of energy should be placed if you want to win.

WILLIAM: So Greg, lock her up?

GUTFELD: Yes, immediately. She’s like “Look Who’s Talking 3.” You know, they should have stopped at “Look Who’s Talking 1.” And then every iteration just gets worse and worse.

Look, if you begin your evidence of authoritarianism with, “He says ‘X’,” you have to immediately discount that. Right? Like, “He says things that I think are racist” or “He says things that are mean about the press.” That’s not anything, because that’s not an actual deed.

Meanwhile, he hasn’t stopped the media. He’s woken it up. Authoritarians don’t do that. He hasn’t started wars. He’s trying to prevent them. Authoritarians don’t do that. He wants to bring the troops home. That’s all he’s been talking about. Authoritarians want to send troops out. And he wants other countries to pitch in militarily. That’s not authoritarian either.

And I need you — and you must remember, around November 18 in 2020, it won’t be the authoritarian causing violence and intimidation in the streets. Progressives are merely fascists in camo. And when the time is right, the disguises will drop. And they’ll be out there like they were after the election. And if things don’t go their way, they’re going to be the ones hitting people over the heads with the bike locks, not Trump fans.

WILLIAMS: Well, let’s hope not. I don’t want anybody hitting anybody.

Stay with us. “Wild Card Wednesday” coming up on THE FIVE.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

PERINO: It’s now time for “Wild Card Wednesday.” It’s like the ’70s.

GUTFELD: It really is. It’s like “Joker’s Wild.”

PERINO: “Joker’s Wild.” OK, we each picked a topic that didn’t make it into the show and put them in this hat. None of us knows the stories that each other’s selected.

So I will start with — Sometimes we get through a few of these. So we’ll start with this one.

GUTFELD: Go fast.

PERINO: I’m trying to open it. Gee.

GUTFELD: Come on, butter fingers.

PERINO: What’s going on? OK, Maroon 5 to perform at the 2019 Super Bowl halftime show — oh, I didn’t know that — on February 3 at the Mercedes- Benz Stadium in Atlanta, Georgia.

Greg, this has got to be your dream come true.

GUTFELD: This — OK, that was — I will tell you right now, no surprise, that was my pick of the stories.

OK, this is officially worse than the kneeling. OK, you know how I felt about the kneeling and football. This makes kneeling totally patriotic because if they are at halftime, everybody’s got to kneel, because this is an awful, awful band.

Do we have tape of my fave — the worst part? Please play it.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(MUSIC: MAROON 5)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

WATTERS: What’s wrong with that?

GUTFELD: How can you listen to that and not want to shoot yourself in the face?

WATTERS: I disagree. He nailed that. I thought his pitch was perfect.

GUTFELD: Oh, my God. He’s like a car alarm.

WATTERS: No, he’s good. I like that guy. What’s his name, Adam Levine?

SAPHIER: Adam Levine, yes. I think he has a really —

GUTFELD: You people don’t know music.

PERINO: He’s on that — he’s nice on that show, “The Voice.”

GUTFELD: That’s all that matters.

PERINO: Juan, do you like Maroon 5?

WILLIAMS: Yes, I like Maroon 5. But I must say, in Atlanta, the home of hip-hop?

GUTFELD: Yes.

WILLIAMS: Wouldn’t they pick a hip-hop artist? That’s crazy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SAPHIER: He has an impressive range, but it’s for a lot more melody, not necessarily pop, the great big performance.

GUTFELD: He belongs on a range.

PERINO: They could have chosen the Zach Brown band, because they are from Georgia.

WILLIAMS: Yes, they should have done something like that.

PERINO: You would have loved them.

GUTFELD: I’ll take — I’ll take them.

PERINO: All right. Another one is restaurants to get lobsters high on marijuana before killing them. That sounds very human, actually. A Lobster Pan (ph) is experimenting with getting lobster high on marijuana before cooking — killing them and then cooking them. They think that’s going to be nicer.

Who — who?

WATTERS: I chose this one. And I wanted to know why or how you get a lobster high. How do you do that?

GUTFELD: Well, first, you rent a — you rent a movie and you call your dealer. It’s one pot to another pot.

SAPHIER: I actually read the article to figure out how they actually did this. And they still didn’t answer the question. They essentially said —

WATTERS: Wait. Did you just say, “I actually read the article”? Are you accusing me of not reading the article?

WILLIAMS: This is a low blow.

SAPHIER: I can tell you what they did in the article, but it still doesn’t make any sense.

WATTERS: Well, what was it?

SAPHIER: They put them in an aquarium with a couple of inches of water, and then they infuse smoke directly into the water that the lobsters are in.

GUTFELD: It’s like a bong.

SAPHIER: They say that the lobsters are more calm and are not trying to attack each other.

WATTERS: That’s actually true, because I cook a lot of lobster, and for many years, our family in Maine would just put the lobsters in the boiling pot of water. And when you kill them like that, it tenses up their muscles, and then the meat is not as tender.

GUTFELD: How insensitive to you, that the meat’s not tender. They’re suffering extricating pain, and Jesse’s going, “Oh, it’s rough.”

WATTERS: Yes. So now we just stab them right here in the back of the head. It kills them instantaneously.

PERINO: OK.

WILLIAMS: Wow, wow. You know what? I think it’s interesting, because I see you get red sometimes and I think, “He’s like a lobster.” Maybe we could — oh, no, no. That wouldn’t work.

WATTERS: Don’t test me, Williams. If anybody at this table is a little high.

PERINO: All right. I’ve got another one here. Lawnmower parents are the new helicopter moms. They are ones that go to whatever length necessary to prevent their child from having to face adversity, struggle, or failure. Instead of preparing children for challenges, they mow obstacles down so kids won’t experience them in the first place.

Who chose this? Doctor?

SAPHIER: That would be me. That would be me. It’s a double-edged sword. Being a mother, being a parent, you do want to protect your children but has that pendulum swung just way too far at this point?

We’re taking away oral presentations at school. We’re taking away grades so that people don’t get their feelings hurt. But how are they going to survive?

I mean, I can say this, because I’m on the cusp of being a millennial. But these millennials, they don’t know how to deal with struggles, with any sort of turmoil. And I just think that’s — that’s a bad precedent for the future.

WATTERS: So what should we be doing with these kids?

SAPHIER: These lawnmower moms should be having their kids use the lawnmower.

WATTERS: Chase them with the lawnmower?

SAPHIER: You said lawnmower. You know, it’s a fine line. You want to make sure that they’re not being bullied, because the second leading cause of death in teenagers is suicide.

WATTERS: And if you do get bullied, you tell them to punch the bully in the face. Right?

SAPHIER: Well, I’m not going to actually say what we say at our house. As long as you don’t start it.

GUTFELD: Martial arts is always the cure. Martial arts. Teach them how to fight.

WATTERS: Body chop.

SAPHIER: I always — I always tell my children defend yourselves, whether it’s verbally or physically.

PERINO: That’s very good. I’ve got one more here. Why college students don’t vote absentee. I love this one. A focus group found that many college students who seem quite enthusiastic about voting this year will go through the process of applying for the ballots, fill it out, register, but they fail to mail them, because they do not know where to get stamps.

GUTFELD: It’s a fair point. Juan — Juan, do you — Juan, when was the last time you licked a stamp?

WILLIAMS: I don’t have to lick them. They are self-adhesive.

GUTFELD: No wonder they don’t stick.

WILLIAMS: You keep licking them.

GUTFELD: Yes, I keep licking them. But no, it’s — why do you have to go somewhere to get these? I know you can have them mailed to you, but then you need — Never mind. You need a mailbox. I don’t have a mailbox.

WATTERS: How much does a stamp cost now?

PERINO: Like $0.32, I think.

WATTERS: Thirty-two cents? In my day, Gutfeld, 19.

PERINO: The last one, this must have been Juan’s. All the hours you spend staring at your phone are making your dog sad, expert warns. This is true.

WILLIAMS: Is that right?

PERINO: Dogs are like kids. They can tell that the phone is basically taking up all of your attention.

WILLIAMS: So it’s not your husband. It’s not Peter. It’s Jasper.

PERINO: Yes, mostly Jasper.

GUTFELD: Do you honestly think dogs care that you have this thing?

PERINO: Yes, totally.

WATTERS: Greg. Greg. Careful.

GUTFELD: I’m sorry.

WILLIAMS: I said one time a dog didn’t have a soul, and she didn’t speak to me for weeks.

PERINO: Well, why don’t you say it again, and we’ll see with the Internet has to say?

WATTERS: That’s all right.

PERINO: Everybody, he’s @JesseBWatters, if you want to check him —

WATTERS: OK.

PERINO: — out on Twitter.

All right. We’re going to go now. Since we have a doctor in the house, why not get all our medical questions answered? That’s next.

GUTFELD: Didn’t that — didn’t that —

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

SAPHIER: All right. Well, since I’m the doctor, the last time I was here, THE FIVE had several medical questions for me. But apparently, they still have more. So now it’s time to ask the doctor anything. But wait, hold on. I’m not quite ready.

(PUTS STETHOSCOPE AROUND HER NECK)

WILLIAMS: Look at this.

PERINO: Now you’re suited up.

SAPHIER: Go.

WILLIAMS: So you were telling me in the break that in your work — you’re a cancer doctor — that you’ve seen some breakthroughs in 3-D mammography. So I’m interested in that, but the reason I’m interested in it is there’s this thermonuclear scanning that you can scan your whole body and then, apparently, that would tell you if you have any illnesses or problems. So I’m thinking, well, maybe I should do it. What do you think?

SAPHIER: Well, thermography is what I think you’re referring to. And that is essentially a scan that detects any increase of heat or metabolism within your body.

The problem I have with that is it’s not very specific, and it’s not really that sensitive. And it hasn’t really proven in trials to work at all. And if something lights up, I’ll use conventional methods to look at it, like a CT scan or ultrasound, whatever.

If there’s nothing there, then what am I supposed to do with that scan? I can’t biopsy it based off the thermography. So is it a false positive. Is it a cancer we’re missing? I don’t know.

GUTFELD: Every time — every time I have a doctor’s office, they tell me I’m hot.

WILLIAMS: Not cute?

PERINO: OK, Greg, we know you have a lot of questions.

GUTFELD: All right. I wanted to ask about ice-cream headaches. But I figured every — somebody else can ask that question.

So new research released today — this is mind-blowing — claims that holding in flatulence leads to the offending gas exiting your mouth as bad breath.

GUTFELD: No.

GUTFELD: Yes, because it’s one system. So you have two outlets. You have two outlets. So if you block one outlet, it just finds an alternative route. You are a doctor. Verify this.

SAPHIER: I have — I have yet to see that study. But I will tell you that the — from the mouth down to the other end is all connected. It’s a closed system.

GUTFELD: Yes. Thank you.

SAPHIER: And —

PERINO: Why do they have to do a study? That’s obvious.

SAPHIER: It tends to be bad breath comes from the bacteria in your mouth.

GUTFELD: Right.

SAPHIER: And bad breath from the other end is the bacteria in that area.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SAPHIER: So it’s unlikely that it’s intermixing. But if there’s a study come, I’m happy to look at it.

GUTFELD: All I know is I think it implies that people should break wind.

WILLIAMS: Yes, but you know, you should stop looking at “Mad” magazine for medical advice.

PERINO: I have one. I think it was yesterday, there was another study came out, and it said it turns out high cholesterol is really not a problem at all for people. And so now you’ve had, like, three decades of people being on medicine because of their cholesterol.

Do you think that they shouldn’t have to be on it?

WATTERS: Yes, why do doctors get it so wrong?

SAPHIER: All the time, apparently. Didn’t see that study yesterday either. I guess I’m just not keeping up.

WATTERS: Are you a real doctor?

SAPHIER: I am. Cholesterol, you know, that’s a catch-22. Are people being over treated for high cholesterol? Absolutely. And then they’re having the negative effects of medicine and interventions, because they’re being may be too aggressively treated for their cholesterol.

Bad cholesterol absolutely does cause coronary artery disease, heart disease, strokes, a lot of bad things. So, you know, I’m not going to say, I’m not going to believe that study is saying that high collateral is a good thing. Absolutely not.

But I would — I would venture to say that they’re saying overtreatment is a bad thing, which I may agree with.

PERINO: OK.

WATTERS: Juan has been exhibiting some signs of Trump Derangement Syndrome. Is there anything you can do to help him?

WILLIAMS: Help, Doctor. Help!

SAPHIER: I actually have to commend Juan that he sits here every day with people who have very different opinions from him, and I would say that that in itself is very healthy for him. Because you don’t want to necessarily always surround yourself with like-minded people because —

WILLIAMS: It’s not a problem for me.

SAPHIER: — it’s very ignorant. And I think it’s great.

WATTERS: Also, Greg wants to know, how do you boost testosterone?

GUTFELD: So I do want to know about ice-cream headaches. So people either have — people at home understand this. You will — either going to have an ice-cream headache or a cold throat. Like, you have something cold very quickly. Like, I can’t eat those shakes from Starbucks —

PERINO: Frappuccinos.

GUTFELD: Because I get this massive. It’s like the end of the earth. But then I have friends that it happens in the back of the throat. What is this?

SAPHIER: So cold causes things to constrict in your body. It causes blood vessels, airways. So when you step out, and it’s really cold outside, you feel that tightening in your chest.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SAPHIER: It’s constricting. That’s the same with in your throat. That’s what happens. And headaches are caused by increased or decreased blood flow. Just the change in that.

GUTFELD: But it’s the — if that lasted more than a minute, I would kill myself. You know how the —

WATTERS: It’s like a migraine.

GUTFELD: Yes. No, it’s worse.

WATTERS: Worse than the migraine?

GUTFELD: Yes. Is there a drug for that?

SAPHIER: I don’t think that you should take one.

WILLIAMS: Yes, I think it’s called marijuana.

GUTFELD: Marijuana. I know — I know a few lobsters.

PERINO: What do you think about medical marijuana for treatment for cancer patients?

SAPHIER: I don’t like generalizations, however, there — cancer pain, especially when it comes to bone and nerve pain, is excruciating. And opioids do work for that, but I also know that there are a lot of cancer patients who benefit from medical marijuana.

PERINO: So and if you do, that would be better than taking an opioid?

GUTFELD: No!

SAPHIER: Not necessarily better. Some things — so the thing with marijuana is that actually really — you can have terrible nausea when it comes to cancer pain and just cancer and the medications in general. And the medical marijuana actually helps with that.

GUTFELD: Opioids getting a bad rap?

SAPHIER: Absolutely.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

SAPHIER: There are a place for opioids.

GUTFELD: Thank you.

SAPHIER: But obviously —

GUTFELD: We are in an opioid panic.

SAPHIER: All right. “One More Thing” is up next. Join us.

WATTERS: Some panic over here.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: It’s time for “One More Thing” — Jesse.

WATTERS: All right. It really, really rained hard yesterday, and for those of you who don’t understand, living in New York City, the subways when it rains is a complete disaster.

Here’s an example of life in the New York City subway when it rains in New York City.

PERINO: Oh, my gosh.

WATTERS: So this is actually a subway in the city, and people couldn’t even get on and off the subway because of this. Turns out the subway water that was coming in was not water. No, no, no. It was sewage. That was actually sewage water that was pouring onto the subway that people were riding. Thanks, Cuomo!

GUTFELD: Oh, boy. This is a poop-oriented show.

Dana.

WATTERS: And I’m on Martha MacCallum’s show tonight. Great segue.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Great segue. All right. A 5-week-old kitten — think how small that is — was rescued from under a car at a monster truck race this past weekend.

The kitten was hiding in a junk car that was used for the monster trucks to drive over. And when an onlookers noticed the cat in the car, the crowd started chanting, “Save the cat. Save the cat.”

The crews quickly ran in, lifted the junk car, freeing the kitten from below it. And good news, spectators Melissa and her stepdaughter Samantha immediately fell in love with the kitten. They named her Showstopper after she was able to bring the loud monster truck crowd to a halt. And Jim Murdoch of News 12 down in Jersey brought this to us.

Isn’t that cute? I mean, that would be scary.

GUTFELD: I guess so.

PERINO: You probably would have survived, though. You’re pretty small.

GUTFELD: Yes, I am.

WATTERS: Cheap shot.

GUTFELD: Go find my podcast. I interview one of my idols? Yes.

PERINO: And mentors.

GUTFELD: That means I admire him. P.J. O’Rourke. Not the opposite. He doesn’t admire me. Go to FOXNewsPodcast.com. It’s like a 30-minute great interview. We talk about his new book, which is called “None of My Business,” in which he explains all these kinds of economic ideas.

PERINO: I love that.

GUTFELD: Yes, it’s great. He’s awesome.

PERINO: He’s a great writer.

GUTFELD: Juan.

WILLIAMS: It’s my turn. So look at this.

GUTFELD: Uh-oh.

WILLIAMS: I have a new book coming out on Tuesday. You’ve got to get to the bookstore, go to Amazon, Barnes & Noble. Here are some of my friends and family reading their advanced copies.

The book is getting terrific reviews. Kirkus Review called the book “relevant, well-grounded, cogent response from a veteran journalist.” Civil rights hero John Lewis said, “This book is going to inspire you, move all Americans.” Historian Doug Brinkley highly recommends it and called it vivid investigation into Trump and civil rights. So conservative or liberal, if you’re in THE FIVE audience, this is a book that’s going to get you thinking, talking about Trump and the controversial issue of how he deals with race.

So I’d like you to preorder your copy today, and I want to say thanks in advance. As you know, the book officially hits the bookstores Tuesday, September 25. So take a read.

PERINO: Three months to Christmas.

WILLIAMS: That’s a good idea, Dana. Thank you.

GUTFELD: A great stocking stuffer, as they say.

PERINO: Do you get a stocking?

GUTFELD: No, I don’t get a stocking. I am against hosiery of all kinds. Anyway, Nicole.

SAPHIER: All right, guys. I have a beautiful story to share with you.

Ten-year-old Hayes was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at 18 months old and relies on a motorized wheelchair to get around. He’s always been a diehard football fan but hadn’t been able to be part of the team until his friends asked him to join the Converse Tigers for their game against their rival.

At the end of the game they had one more play. Hayes got to carry the ball all the way to the end zone for his first touchdown ever. The crowd cheered him on and chanted his name as he made his way down the field, which ended in celebratory huddle all around Hayes from both teams.

WILLIAMS: I love it.

PERINO: That’s great. I need to do a correct the record.

GUTFELD: What?

PERINO: A stamp is actually $0.49.

GUTFELD: Yes. When was the last time you actually saw a stamp?

WATTERS: You are so out of touch, Dana.

PERINO: Oh, yes. The way you bully her. How much is a loaf of bread, Mr. Watters?

WATTERS: About 2.35.

WILLIAMS: No, get out of here.

WATTERS: What is it?

WILLIAMS: A loaf of bread is a buck fifty.

WATTERS: Two thirty-five, I shop at Whole Foods, Juan.

WILLIAMS: Mr. Upscale. Now we know who the elite are.

PERINO: If you buy bread for 2.35 at Whole Foods, you’re shopping in a different place.

WILLIAMS: Why?

PERINO: I would go on The Price is Right with you.

WATTERS: You would?

PERINO: I would.

GUTFELD: That’s a crazy show.

PERINO: Great show.

GUTFELD: There’s devil music in that show.

All right. Set your DVRs. Never miss an episode of “The Five.” She’s the best in that news, I deem. Her name, Shannon Bream.

SHANNON BREAM, FOX NEWS: That might have been a little bit of a stretch, but thank you, Greg.

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